Hey, Ralphie Boy

Go fuck yourself.

When I was a kid, you were my mother’s hero.

I’ve always been pretty close to agreement with you on the majority of political issues.

However, I never supported you politically, because I knew you never had a shot at being more than a spoiler, and because, if a miracle occurred and you actually won, I knew that you didn’t have the political skills to accomplish anything — anything once you were in power. A President Nader would be an angry curmudgeon, sitting in the White House and complaining that he was ignored by Congress.

In 2000, I thought it was a mistake for you to run, because of the chance you’d be a spoiler. You insisted that Bush and Gore were more or less the same. Well, you ended up being a spoiler, and nobody believes that a Gore administration could have possibly done the damage that Bush and company have over the past eight years.

When you ran in 2004 and again this year, it was clear to me that it was nothing more than ego. You’ll never even be a spoiler after 2000, and you have nothing to add to the debate anymore. You could have thrown your support to someone else, but no, it just had to be you.

And now, you respond to the election with a statement like that? You can just go fuck yourself.

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Time to Fess Up

Did You Cry Last Night?

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Jesse Jackson cryingI remember my first vote: it was for Jesse Jackson, in the 1984 Massachusetts primary. I knew at the time that it was just symbolic, and I had no doubt that Reagan would win the election, but it mattered to me. When I saw Jackson crying last night… yup, the waterworks switched on.

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Obama Wins

Barack Obama…in Dixville Notch, NH. It’s official: 15 votes for Obama, 6 for McCain, 0 for Nader.

Hey, it’s a start.

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Is Alaska in the Midwest?

Sarah PalinI don’t know any native Alaskans. I know maybe a dozen people who have lived there at one time or another, but nobody who actually grew up there. Consequently, I don’t know what an Alaskan — a real Alaskan — actually sounds like. And it’s a pretty big place. I’m sure to the native ear, somebody from Fairbanks sounds very much unlike a person from Juneau.

When McCain introduced Sarah Palin as his running mate, I was genuinely shocked. She sounds like she’s from the wilds of Wisconsin! I can just imagine her swearing in ceremony next January (in the bizarro universe where she and McCain actually manage to win this thing, of course).

I do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic, that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same: that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion, and I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter. So help me God. Oh, ya, sure.

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The L Word

No, not that L Word. This is a different one, but one which, at least in the political sphere, seems to be just as taboo.

Here’s a hint. Remember when Obama suggested to some people at a rally that if they wanted to decrease the amount of gas they used, they should make sure their tires were properly inflated and their engines were tuned up? McCain (and every other Republican, by some odd coincidence) yukked it up over how Obama’s energy plan was all about getting those tires inflated. They were even offering “Obama Energy Plan” tire inflation gauges for donations of $25 to the McCain campaign. As of the writing of this post, the offer was still up:

tire gauge

Obama’s response to this latest bit of levity from the right was just perfect:

I’m sure you caught the “l word” in there, but if not, I’ll make it easier in my next example. The McCain campaign put out this new video today:

Here’s a piece of a Los Angeles Times article on the video and the Obama campaign’s response to it:

The Obama campaign immediately denounced the ad.

“This ad is a lie and it’s part of the old, tired politics of a party in Washington that has run out of ideas and run out of steam,” said spokesman Hari Sevugan.

The Obama campaign has been smarting from McCain’s attack on his celebrity, which compares the Illinois senator to Paris Hilton. The charge is that Obama lacks the experience to lead the nation and is out of touch with most people’s economic difficulties.

To support its claim, the McCain campaign cites two Obama votes in favor of a budget resolution. Obama’s yes vote means he voted in favor of ending the Bush tax cuts, “effectively raising taxes on those making $41,500 in total income.”

The Obama camp has repeatedly complained that McCain is distorting Obama’s position on taxes. The vote was for a non-binding budget resolution that did not include any tax increase, though it does assume that the Bush tax cuts will end. It bears no relation to the tax plan that Obama has announced, his campaign said.

“Even though a host of independent, nonpartisan organizations have said this attack isn’t true, Sen. McCain continues to lie about Sen. Obama’s plan to give 95% of all families a tax cut of $1,000, and not raise taxes for those making under $250,000 a single dime,” the Obama campaign argued. “The reason so many families are hurting today is because we’ve had eight years of failed Bush policies that Sen. McCain wants to continue for another four, and that’s what Barack Obama will change as President.”

Finally, this isn’t coming from the Obama campaign, but check out McCain’s bronze medal win on tonight’s Countdown:

“John McCain either lies or can’t tell the difference between reality and stuff he dreamed or imagined. Those are not two good options.” I say we stick with option 1. If we start labeling these obvious falsehoods as cases of McCain getting confused, they’ll claim we’re playing the age card — the wrinkly, white-haired age card. If we accuse McCain of lying (which is what I think he’s doing most of the time, except in the cases where he starts repeating words like he’s lost his place), their only real defense will be to say that the Senator just misspoke… again. Those self-proclaimed errors are going to add up pretty quickly if they’re not willing to admit to just making shit up.

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What Lies Beneath

This may take a while to load, and it’s of rather low technical quality, but what the hey — give it a try. I tried turning it into a video file, but the supposedly transparent background (with the speckly bits I failed to remove) turned black when I opened it in Camtasia. It seems that once you’ve exported the hundred or so layers you’ve created to ImageReady, it’s too late to fix the background. That meant that I couldn’t add the sound effects I’d been planning (an opening “My friends,” a popcorn pop for each bandage going on, a nice tearing noise for their removal, and maybe some evil cackling for the big surprise ending), but that’s OK, since I’ve already blown the evening on this thing. The “special effects” for the Bottoms Up, Johnny post only took a couple of minutes and came out a hell of a lot better, it seems to me. So, not so long story about as short as I can make it, I’ve just uploaded it as a gif. Enjoy!


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A Modest Proposal for Karl Rove

Dear Karl,

Remember back in 2000, when John McCain won the New Hampshire primary and it looked like he was going to roll on to the Republican nomination? Remember what you did to add a little friction to his momentum?

Karl RoveRove invented a uniquely injurious fiction for his operatives to circulate via a phony poll. Voters were asked, “Would you be more or less likely to vote for John McCain…if you knew he had fathered an illegitimate black child?” This was no random slur. McCain was at the time campaigning with his dark-skinned daughter, Bridget, adopted from Bangladesh.

It worked. Owing largely to the Rove-orchestrated whispering campaign, Bush prevailed in South Carolina and secured the Republican nomination. The rest is history — specifically the tragic and blighted history of our young century. It worked in another way as well. Too shaken to defend himself, McCain emerged from the bruising episode less maverick reformer and more Manchurian candidate.

You know how good you are, don’t you Karl? McCain knows it too, and that’s why he’s taking the advice of you and your acolytes, even after stating in 2000 that there must be “a special place in hell” reserved for you lot.

I’ve got a little tip for you, and I think it’s going to help McCain big-time. What if we spread a rumor that Barack Obama has two black babies? Can you imagine how that would trash his image? Having two black babies is twice as bad as having one. Nobody’s going to vote for Obama when they hear about this, whether it’s true or not.

Two. Black. Babies. Wow.

I’m just amazed you didn’t come up with this one yourself, Karl. I hope you’re not going soft in your old age.

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Doubleplus Ungood

My last post made reference to this advert from the McCain campaign:

The claim that Obama went to the gym rather than visiting wounded military personnel, was, of course, utter crap. Was it a lie? You could say so, but it was more a matter of implication than falsehood. That is, it implied that Obama decided that, since they wouldn’t let him bring in cameras and use the troops as campaign props, he decided it wasn’t worth his while to visit them at all. Had they come out and said that in the ad, it would have been a lie, but instead, all they did was imply it.

But now it’s come out that, whether Obama had made the visit or not, the McCain camp was ready to attack him for whichever choice he made:

What the McCain campaign doesn’t want people to know, according to one GOP strategist I spoke with over the weekend, is that they had an ad script ready to go if Obama had visited the wounded troops saying that Obama was…wait for it…using wounded troops as campaign props. So, no matter which way Obama turned, McCain had an Obama bashing ad ready to launch. I guess that’s political hardball. But another word for it is the one word that most politicians are loathe to use about their opponents—a lie.

That’s inexcusable.

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Where’s McWaldo?

McWaldoIs he in the kitchen?

Is he at the beach?

Is he on the Straight Talk Express?

Maybe he’s at a town hall meeting, saying “my friends” two to three times per sentence. Is that where he is? No?

Is he with the troops?

If he isn’t with the troops, why not? Does he, or anyone for that matter, have an excuse for not being with the troops right now? Who the hell does he think he is? Just what are his priorities? Would he be willing to lose the war in order to win an election? Maybe he’d rather eat a pulled pork sandwich than spend time with the troops. Perhaps he thinks that getting an hour or two of sleep each night is time better spent than time spent with the troops. What’s more important: calling Cindy Lou a hussy for wearing too much makeup, or spending time with the troops? Think of the time he’s spent over the years brushing his teeth, or wiping his ass after taking a crap. That’s time that could have been spent with the troops. But it seems he had other, more important things to do.

I think he may be a Communist. What else would explain this obvious disdain he has for the troops?

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Angie and Barack Sitting in a Tree

You all remember this lovely metaphor for America’s relationship with our close ally, Germany, during the Bush administration:
Bush tries to massage Angela Merkel

It looks like, should all go according to plan, things are going to be different in the future. According to Reuters, Angela Merkel was asked yesterday, before she’d met Barack Obama, what she thought of him.

Merkel responded: “I would say that he is well-equipped — physically, mentally and politically.”

Physically? Um… OK.

She was further asked, in reference to the image above, whether she expected more massages from the next American president.

“That’s not really up to me,” she joked. “But I wouldn’t resist.”

Heh. Just what are we supposed to make of that? I’m hoping she’s just toying with the media’s preoccupation with personality and celebrity rather than real political issues. I really, really hope that’s it, because I’d hate to think Merkel’s thinking of relations with a US president who’s… hot. Because when I think of that, I feel like this:
Bush tries to massage Angela Merkel

Ein Tipp der Hut to Blue Gal.

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