Zero Wing – Search Marketing Edition

Narrator: In A.D. 2007, war was beginning.
SEM: What happen?
Webmaster: Somebody set up us the PR drop.
Designer: We get signal.
SEM: What!
Designer: Main screen turn on.
SEM: It’s you!!
CUTTS: How are you geeks!!
CUTTS: All your paid link are belong to us.
CUTTS: You are on the way to a penalty.
SEM: What you say!!
CUTTS: You have no chance to profit make your nofollows.
CUTTS: Ha Ha Ha Ha ….
Designer: Captain!!
SEM: Take off every ‘AD’!!
SEM: You know what you doing.
SEM: Move ‘AD’.
SEM: For great link juice.

CATS with face of Matt Cutts

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Wave That Lapel

Rudy GiulianiThis is an open letter to just about every politician here in the US of A.

Dear American Politician,

What’s that I see on your lapel? It looks like a pin of some sort. Oh, I see. It’s an American flag pin. What’s it for? I think everyone already knows you’re an American. You really don’t need to remind us. You can click to see where you could buy flags and poles.

Oh, I think I get it. You want people to know that you’re patriotic, right?

It’s awfully small, though. Are you saying you’re just a little patriotic? Are you trying to be subtle? This is America, remember?

If you’re going to wear Old Glory, you should make a point of making it more noticeable than you are. Wrap yourself up in a big flag. Cover your face. A true patriot knows that the only thing we need to know about their identity is that they love America. Anything less says the opposite.

Your tiny pin mocks this great nation.


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Mitch McConnell Visits the Dentist

Mitch McConnellHey Mitch, good to see you.


How’s business back in Washington?


Keeping those Democrats in their place, huh?


OK, well let’s have us a look at those old choppers.

Open, please.


Open, please.


A little wider, please Mitch.


Senator, I can’t check your teeth if you don’t open your mouth for me.



Open open open open open.

Come on, Mitch. All I can see are those five pointy little brown ones along the bottom. I need you to open your mouth so I can check the rest.

Open wide, now.


Open your mouth.

Open it.

You open your mouth now, or I’m going to slice you open and you’ll need safety pins to close it, you old fool.

I’m warning you, McConnell.

Just so you know, I never voted for your backwards ass. You want me to cut you, I’ll cut you.

Fine. This is going to be fun.

OK, rinse please.

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Chef Bill’s Restaurant Reviews

Bill OReilly in a chef hatWelcome, slumming readers of Crooks and Liars and Sweet Jesus, I Hate Bill O’Reilly, Intl.


I had a great time, and all the people up there are tremendously respectful.

I couldn’t get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia’s restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City. I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it’s run by blacks, primarily black patronship.

There wasn’t one person in Sylvia’s who was screaming, “M-Fer, I want more iced tea.” You know, I mean, everybody was — it was like going into an Italian restaurant in an all-white suburb in the sense of people were sitting there, and they were ordering and having fun. And there wasn’t any kind of craziness at all.

Schmuel’s Kosher

I ventured down to Manhattan’s Lower East Side the other day to check out this traditional deli. Schmuel’s is famous for its breakfasts, so despite the evening hour, I decided to try some items from both the breakfast and dinner menus.

The breakfast was just terrific. I had a bagel with a surprisingly generous schmear (which is the Jewish word for “smear”) of cream cheese. I also had the potato pancakes, or Lockies as they call them. They were a bit greasy, but you slather enough sour cream and apple sauce on them and they’re a real treat.

I was then ready to try out the dinner menu. I wanted to taste their corned beef, which I’ve heard is different from the normal corned beef regular people eat, but get this: they wouldn’t let me. They claimed that because I’d eaten dairy products from the breakfast menu, it was against the law to serve me any meat! I told them I’m friends with a lot of cops, and I’d know if there was a law against eating meat. I mean, it wasn’t even a Friday!

Finally, the manager came out, and much to my surprise, he offered me a big bowl of kasha and another order of lockies, on the house! I bet that was a first, if you know what I mean.

All in all, I can recommend Schmuel’s, but watch out for their crazy “laws”.

Tony’s Family Restaurant

Tony’s is just a few short blocks from Schmuel’s and boy, is it worth the drive over. Sure, the name is a little off-putting, since the idea of an Italian “family”… well, you know what I mean. But I checked out the men’s room — no guns hidden in the toilet tanks — and made sure they didn’t seat me in a corner, so I wasn’t too worried.

They’ve got all your favorites at Tony’s: spaghetti and meatballs, ziti and meatballs, linguine and meatballs, the whole enchilada. And just in case you’re in an adventurous mood, they have three different kinds of cheese to sprinkle on top of your dish.

One little piece of advice, just to be on the safe side. Pay cash. Why risk letting them see your credit card?

Abdullah’s Lebanese Cuisine

What an eye opener! Wonderful aromas and flavors of the Mediterranean, from kebabs to stuffed grape leaves. And get this: they serve something called falafel! No, it’s not the same as that rough sponge you use in the shower. It’s some kind of beans, ground up and deep fried. Very tasty, but I couldn’t help but laugh over the name.

But the best surprise of all was that not a single suicide bomber was there, or if there were any, they were well-hidden and chickened out like the cowards they are. Everyone was just sitting there, politely enjoying the food and conversation, and they didn’t even seem concerned about whether they’d survive the meal.

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The Small Print

CIALIS is indicated for the treatment of erectile dysfunction.

cialis-logo.pngCIALIS IS NOT FOR EVERYONE. Tell your doctor about your medical conditions and all medications, and ask if you’re healthy enough for sexual activity. Don’t take CIALIS if you take nitrates, often prescribed for chest pain, as this may cause a sudden, unsafe drop in blood pressure. Don’t drink alcohol in excess (to a level of intoxication) with CIALIS, as this may increase your chances of getting dizzy or lowering your blood pressure. CIALIS does not protect against sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV.

The most common side effects with CIALIS were headache and upset stomach. Backache and muscle ache were also reported, sometimes with delayed onset. Most men weren’t bothered by the side effects enough to stop taking CIALIS. As with any ED tablet, in the rare event of priapism (an erection lasting more than 4 hours), seek immediate medical help to avoid long-term injury. In rare instances, men taking prescription ED tablets (including CIALIS) reported a sudden decrease or loss of vision. It’s not possible to determine if these events are related directly to the ED tablets or to other factors. If you have a sudden decrease or loss of vision, stop taking any ED tablet and call your doctor right away.

Individual results may vary. In clinical trials, CIALIS was shown to improve, up to 36 hours after dosing, the ability of men with ED to have a single successful intercourse attempt. CIALIS has not been studied for multiple sexual attempts per dose.

When taking CIALIS, under no circumstances should you attempt to have sex before taking a walk through the wilderness and locating the tandem outdoor bathtubs.

couple in outdoor bathtubs

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Save Us, Dubsy!

I love this thing. I saw it at Crooks and Liars, and they got it from Spread the love, people. Let’s viralofy this bugger.

Bush Worried About New Threat

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The Drama in Alabama

Bob RileyHey, it almost rhymes.

The happy, grandfatherly, Reaganoid gent over there is Governor Bob Riley of Alabama. I won’t bother mentioning his party affiliation. Just dig his ‘do and you’ll know.

Alabama has been dealing with a bit of a drought, but Governor Bob knows what to do about that:

With the state’s weather forecasters not delivering much-needed rain, Gov. Bob Riley on Thursday turned to a higher power. The governor issued a proclamation calling for a week of prayer for rain, beginning Saturday.

Riley encouraged Alabamians to pray “individually and in their houses of worship.”

“Throughout our history, Alabamians have turned in prayer to God to humbly ask for his blessings and to hold us steady during times of difficulty,” Riley said. “This drought is without question a time of great difficulty.”

I’ve heard tell that if the prayer doesn’t do the trick, Governor Bob has invited all the state’s virgins to join him on the lawn of the Governor’s Mansion the following Saturday to get naked, cover themselves in mud and dance for the pleasure of the Rain God. Goats and oxen will be sacrificed and deep-fried twinkies will be served. Come one come all (virgins)!

Apparently, Barry Lynn of Americans United is none too pleased with the plan. “He shouldn’t do these things that raise the specter of government promoting a particular religion,” Lynn said. “It’s just a bad idea.” But what’s he know? Get him a deep-fried twinkie and then ask him what he thinks.

Blogs Against Theocracy

The preceding has been a slightly less than serious contribution to the July 2007 edition of Blogs Against Theocracy, with a tip of the hat to Crooks and Liars.

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