Archive for the 'Satire' Category

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Maverick



I’ve been saying lately that McCain and his campaign have been lying about Obama and his record, but now I’m having second thoughts. After all, they keep telling us what a maverick McCain is. When I hear the word “maverick,” I naturally think of Bret Maverick, that hero of the wild west on the eye of hell. And Brett Maverick was a gambler! From that perspective, it all makes sense: McCain isn’t a liar. He, like that other Maverick, is just bluffing.

To aid you in thinking the right way — the hard drinkin’, hard livin’, all-American gambler way — about Maverick McCain, I’ve created the file below. Just mouse over it and see if it feels right. Oh, and make sure your speakers are turned up.

Brett Maverick McCain

Convinced? Me neither. On second thought, never mind. McCain is just a liar.

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What Lies Beneath

This may take a while to load, and it’s of rather low technical quality, but what the hey — give it a try. I tried turning it into a video file, but the supposedly transparent background (with the speckly bits I failed to remove) turned black when I opened it in Camtasia. It seems that once you’ve exported the hundred or so layers you’ve created to ImageReady, it’s too late to fix the background. That meant that I couldn’t add the sound effects I’d been planning (an opening “My friends,” a popcorn pop for each bandage going on, a nice tearing noise for their removal, and maybe some evil cackling for the big surprise ending), but that’s OK, since I’ve already blown the evening on this thing. The “special effects” for the Bottoms Up, Johnny post only took a couple of minutes and came out a hell of a lot better, it seems to me. So, not so long story about as short as I can make it, I’ve just uploaded it as a gif. Enjoy!

McCain

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Bottoms Up, Johnny

Blurry John McCainCollege was a long, long time ago, but I still remember the important stuff, like drinking games. I was always pretty bad at the skill portion of Quarters, but I didn’t really have a problem with that — it just meant I got to drink more. In fact, I rarely bothered with such things as pointing to other players with my elbow. I’d point with my finger and… ooops! time to drink again. Silly me.

Being a vidiot, my favorite drinking games have always involved the eye of hell. Being a vidiot and a Bob, my all-time fave would have to be Hi Bob.

I’ve just come up with a drinking game of my own, and it’s not unlike Hi Bob, which took advantage of the fact that a certain phrase showed up rather a lot in the scripts for Bob Newhart’s sit-coms.

Think about it — what’s on the eye of hell all the time these days, and what phrase does one hear repeated over and over?

I think you may have already figured it out based on the image above. The name of the game is My Friends, and the rules are just like those of Hi Bob: whenever McCain intones that famous phrase, everyone has to down a shot. Be warned, however, that when Johnny Mac is having particular trouble dealing with the text of his speech, he may say it fairly often. In fact, I’ve heard him throw it into a single sentence as many as three times. It’s apparently his version of “um.”

Because of this, the game is often kind of short.

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A Modest Proposal for Karl Rove

Dear Karl,

Remember back in 2000, when John McCain won the New Hampshire primary and it looked like he was going to roll on to the Republican nomination? Remember what you did to add a little friction to his momentum?

Karl RoveRove invented a uniquely injurious fiction for his operatives to circulate via a phony poll. Voters were asked, “Would you be more or less likely to vote for John McCain…if you knew he had fathered an illegitimate black child?” This was no random slur. McCain was at the time campaigning with his dark-skinned daughter, Bridget, adopted from Bangladesh.

It worked. Owing largely to the Rove-orchestrated whispering campaign, Bush prevailed in South Carolina and secured the Republican nomination. The rest is history — specifically the tragic and blighted history of our young century. It worked in another way as well. Too shaken to defend himself, McCain emerged from the bruising episode less maverick reformer and more Manchurian candidate.

You know how good you are, don’t you Karl? McCain knows it too, and that’s why he’s taking the advice of you and your acolytes, even after stating in 2000 that there must be “a special place in hell” reserved for you lot.

I’ve got a little tip for you, and I think it’s going to help McCain big-time. What if we spread a rumor that Barack Obama has two black babies? Can you imagine how that would trash his image? Having two black babies is twice as bad as having one. Nobody’s going to vote for Obama when they hear about this, whether it’s true or not.

Two. Black. Babies. Wow.

I’m just amazed you didn’t come up with this one yourself, Karl. I hope you’re not going soft in your old age.

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Where’s McWaldo?

McWaldoIs he in the kitchen?

Is he at the beach?

Is he on the Straight Talk Express?

Maybe he’s at a town hall meeting, saying “my friends” two to three times per sentence. Is that where he is? No?

Is he with the troops?

If he isn’t with the troops, why not? Does he, or anyone for that matter, have an excuse for not being with the troops right now? Who the hell does he think he is? Just what are his priorities? Would he be willing to lose the war in order to win an election? Maybe he’d rather eat a pulled pork sandwich than spend time with the troops. Perhaps he thinks that getting an hour or two of sleep each night is time better spent than time spent with the troops. What’s more important: calling Cindy Lou a hussy for wearing too much makeup, or spending time with the troops? Think of the time he’s spent over the years brushing his teeth, or wiping his ass after taking a crap. That’s time that could have been spent with the troops. But it seems he had other, more important things to do.

I think he may be a Communist. What else would explain this obvious disdain he has for the troops?

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Say Hey, Billy Mays

Billy MaysOh, that Billy Mays. What can you say about a fella like Billy Mays?

Billy Mays knows how to say “power,” and Billy Mays knows how to say “full,” but ironically, Billy Mays can’t seem to say “powerful” without it sounding like “parful.” And wouldn’t you know it, many of the products promoted by Billy Mays are powerful, so he has no choice but to keep trying to get that darned word right. Poor old long-suffering Billy Mays.

Billy Mays works in the wonderful world of the eye of hell, but happy, innocent guy that he is, Billy Mays doesn’t understand that that thing they clip to his shirt is a microphone, and that they can control the level of his voice. Instead, Billy Mays screams at the top of his lungs about his various and sundry “parful” products. That silly Billy Mays.

For more about Billy Mays, be sure to check out Billy Mays Mayhem, which features a collection of the sounds of Billy Mays! Sadly, the collection doesn’t include Billy Mays saying “parful.” You’ll just have to take my word for it on that one.

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Cindy Lou… Who?

Cindy Lou and the Grinch

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Tears for Texas

Texas Governor's MansionIt just broke my heart to hear about the fire at the Texas governor’s mansion.

The mansion had been closed for some time (although apparently not long enough for them to have anything to say about it) for renovations.

The latest news on the fire is that it was most likely an act of arson. If that’s the case, I think it’s pretty easy to see why this had to happen.

Because of this, I have an important message for every preacher in the Lone Star State: Please, please, tell all of your parishioners that indoor plumbing is not Satanic.

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King of the Libertarians

I have to admit, this is pretty confusing.

It made perfect sense to me when he was a Republican. I mean, if you’re a member of the species that serves as the party’s mascot, it all falls right into place. You certainly don’t see any donkeys running on the GOP ticket.

But to see him running for president as a Libertarian? That doesn’t seem right. First of all, he’s a king. Would a sitting monarch join the Libertarian party? Do the rest of the Libs just go into laissez-faire mode and tell themselves he can be king as long as it doesn’t affect them in any way? Kings tend to live off moneys collected from their subjects as taxes. That is not what I’d consider a Libertarian ideal. What if he’s elected, and he decides some day he wants to invade the land of the giraffes and water buffalo? How is he supposed to raise an army?

Besides that, as a Republican, he was a member of the House. That’s fine. But how can he run for president? Isn’t he French, or Belgian, or some such thing?

Bob Barr as Babar

Pretty confusing.

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