Archive for the 'Satire' Category

It just broke my heart to hear about the fire at the Texas governor’s mansion.

The mansion had been closed for some time (although apparently not long enough for them to have anything to say about it) for renovations.

The latest news on the fire is that it was most likely an act of arson. If that’s the case, I think it’s pretty easy to see why this had to happen.

Because of this, I have an important message for every preacher in the Lone Star State: Please, please, tell all of your parishioners that indoor plumbing is not Satanic.

I have to admit, this is pretty confusing.

It made perfect sense to me when he was a Republican. I mean, if you’re a member of the species that serves as the party’s mascot, it all falls right into place. You certainly don’t see any donkeys running on the GOP ticket.

But to see him running for president as a Libertarian? That doesn’t seem right. First of all, he’s a king. Would a sitting monarch join the Libertarian party? Do the rest of the Libs just go into laissez-faire mode and tell themselves he can be king as long as it doesn’t affect them in any way? Kings tend to live off moneys collected from their subjects as taxes. That is not what I’d consider a Libertarian ideal. What if he’s elected, and he decides some day he wants to invade the land of the giraffes and water buffalo? How is he supposed to raise an army?

Besides that, as a Republican, he was a member of the House. That’s fine. But how can he run for president? Isn’t he French, or Belgian, or some such thing?

Pretty confusing.

With all due respect to Amy Poehler, Rosemary Watson is the Hillary Clinton impersonator.

Check out her site or her YouTube page, That Hillary Show.

From deep in the lair of the crab of ineffable wisdom, home of those Rather Good / 7 Seconds of Love folk, comes this rousing ode to brave Prince Harry.

Gotta keep the kitchen nice and tidy…

Guess where everyone’s favorite lying sack of shit was Sunday morning. While you’re at it, guess who was there with him. Yes, it’s true. Rudy, who considered the priesthood in his youth but apparently gave it up because he couldn’t stop thinking about super hot chicks (a problem we can only hope his third marriage will finally relieve), was at a church in Miami with Katherine Harris: the Hispanic evangelical El Rey Jesus church, to be precise.

I don’t know how often Rudy normally attends services, but the Daily News pretty clearly implies that he’s not a regular churchgoer these days.

For the mayor - who as a young man considered the priesthood - it marked the sudden discovery of God on the campaign trail, with a speech that was part sermon and part political pitch.

In other words, he’s pandering! Not only that, but Mr. English Only was pandering at a bilingual church. It’s almost as good as Romney speaking out against layoffs.

Rumor has it that later this week he’s going to get a handgun and stand outside a Planned Parenthood clinic threatening anyone who’s walking in. Then he’s going to get those two gay men he used to live with and lock them up with one of those ex-gay counselors until they’re just begging for Rudy’s sloppy seconds.

Hat tip to Crooks and Liars

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This is an open letter to just about every politician here in the US of A.

Dear American Politician,

What’s that I see on your lapel? It looks like a pin of some sort. Oh, I see. It’s an American flag pin. What’s it for? I think everyone already knows you’re an American. You really don’t need to remind us.

Oh, I think I get it. You want people to know that you’re patriotic, right?

It’s awfully small, though. Are you saying you’re just a little patriotic? Are you trying to be subtle? This is America, remember?

If you’re going to wear Old Glory, you should make a point of making it more noticeable than you are. Wrap yourself up in a big flag. Cover your face. A true patriot knows that the only thing we need to know about their identity is that they love America. Anything less says the opposite.

Your tiny pin mocks this great nation.

Traitor.

Hey Mitch, good to see you.

Yep.

How’s business back in Washington?

Fine.

Keeping those Democrats in their place, huh?

Yep.

OK, well let’s have us a look at those old choppers.

Open, please.

Open.

Open, please.

Open.

A little wider, please Mitch.

Oooopen.

Senator, I can’t check your teeth if you don’t open your mouth for me.

Open.

Open.

Open open open open open.

Come on, Mitch. All I can see are those five pointy little brown ones along the bottom. I need you to open your mouth so I can check the rest.

Open wide, now.

Open.

Open your mouth.

Open it.

You open your mouth now, or I’m going to slice you open and you’ll need safety pins to close it, you old fool.

I’m warning you, McConnell.

Just so you know, I never voted for your backwards ass. You want me to cut you, I’ll cut you.

Fine. This is going to be fun.

OK, rinse please.