Archive for the 'Satire' Category

Clash of the Titians

Clash of the Titians

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Mmmmm… Stew

Package of Bart's Stew Pack

Delicious, nutritious, and respectful of the unborn.

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A Tale of Two Joes

Joe the Plumber and Joe the Immigration Attorney

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A Specter is Haunting Washington

Arlen SpecterI’m a little concerned about this business of Arlen Specter switching over to the Democratic party.

It’s clear why he’s jumping ship — he’s openly admitted it: the Republicans have moved far enough to the right that he can’t expect their support in a primary campaign, so he’d never make it to the general election (which he’d have a decent shot of winning) if he sought the Republican nomination.

And Obama and the Democrats are agreeing to this (and most likely telling him they’ll support him over any other Democratic candidates) because it means that he’ll be a little more cooperative with them over the next year, leading up to the election. They figure a Specter in the hand is worth two potential real progressives in the bush. (How’s that for a shredded maxim?)

Personally, I have my doubts about whether it’s worth it. Sure, if Specter was going to try to get his old party’s nomination, he’d have to take a giant step to the right, and that would mean the Democrats would get just about no cooperation from him over the next year, “independent record” or not. I think he knows that that wouldn’t be enough to convince the party base to keep him. He could pull a Lieberman and declare himself an independent. He may have been one of the three most moderate Republicans in the Senate, but that was still pretty far to the right of your average Democrat. Is this deal going to change any of his votes in the next year?

It seems to me he’s getting a lot more out of this deal than the rest of us are.

And there’s more to it than that. Let’s not forget that this is about Pennsyltucky, a place I’m personally not so quick to trust. Think about some of the people who currently represent the state:

Congressman Joe Sleestak, 7th District — that’s him with his son, Joe Jr.

Congressman Chaka Fattah, 2nd District

If you don’t see what I’m getting at, maybe this will help:

That’s right — I think Pennsyltucky may be the Land of the Lost. And if that’s the case, it’s unwise to make deals with any politicians from there. When he goes home on a routine campaign expedition, what are the odds that he’ll be eaten by a dinosaur? Hell, the whole state could be swept off to some distant time and place at any moment. What’s the DCCC supposed to do if that happens?

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A Cunning Plan

I’ve got a plan — a cunning plan.

I’m going to rob a bank.

I’m going to buy a gun on the black market and take it to a big, busy bank. I’m going to shoot the place up a bit and maybe take some hostages, just to show them I’m serious. And I’m going to get a lot of money. Cash money.

Is this a dangerous plan? Yeah, I suppose it is. Is it illegal? Don’t be so quick to answer. Wait until you hear what I’m going to do with all that money.

First off, I’m going to pay off a bunch of old credit card debt. That will free up the banks to loan that money to small businesses.

I’m going to take the rest of the money and spend it like there’s no tomorrow. I’ll walk into a store and just say, “Give me one of everything.” It won’t even matter what they sell. And I’ll give a bunch of money to someone else and tell them to do the same thing: just buy lots of stuff.

I bet the owner of that store is going to end up hiring one or two new employees after that.

Sure, I’ll have broken the law.

But results matter, right?

You can’t prosecute me if I help out the economy. I’m just serving my country.

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Crazy Like a Fleet Fox

I’ve come up with a theory about Fleet Foxes. I actually think I may be on to something here.

Here’s what I’m thinking: Fleet Foxes are obsessed with the idea of being on the bleeding edge of the fashion world. In order to accomplish this, they spend a king’s ransom on an avant-garde stylist who oh-so carefully, assiduously, impeccably cuts their hair to make it look like they do it themselves, when they’re stoned.

Because all of their money goes to their utterly über-stylish stylist, they can’t afford to buy any music, so all they ever listen to are the CSN albums they found in their grandmother’s attic.

Oh, stop calling me a dick. I’m just kidding.

I actually think their harmonies are very pretty. Hippy-dippy and boring, but pretty.

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Carrey On

Liar Liar (1997)

Jim CarreyJim Carrey plays a successful lawyer and not so successful divorced father. When he fails to make an appearance at his son’s birthday party, the boy wishes for his father to be compelled to speak only the truth for 24 hours. Magically, the wish comes true, and the lawyer, who has built his life and career on his skill at lying finds himself blurting out the truth without being able to control it. Hilarity ensues.

Yes Man (2008)

Carrey plays a loser whose life takes a positive turn after he adopts a self-help program requiring him to say yes to everything, leading to a series of madcap hijinks.

A Matter of Taste (2010)

Hal French (Jim Carrey) is a famous San Francisco restaurant critic whose reviews spell life or death for every establishment he visits. When he pans The Gypsy Kitchen, the owner puts a curse on him: he still has a refined sense of taste, but can only hold down food that’s been boiled to a tasteless mush. What’s a foodie to do — does he continue his career, only to violently spew at every restaurant he visits, or will he learn to live on nothing but gruel? The scene of his anniversary celebration at his favorite Indian restaurant is a tragi-comic revelation.

That’s Agoraphobia! (2013)

Carrey plays a successful advertising executive whose agency is sued after a product they promoted proves to be a serious health hazard and causes the deaths of hundreds of small children. He quits his job, breaks up with his fiancée, and locks himself in his apartment, where he does little more than watch old situation comedies, masturbate, cry, and obsessively wash himself with bleach.

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The Freshest Domestic Terrorist

Who wouldn’t want to pal around with this guy?

The Fresh Prince is Bill Ayers

OK, I admit it. This is just another pathetic attempt to get onto Blue Gal’s list, but I know I’m not worthy.

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Viva Commerce! (#20)

Mercedes logoDear Mercedes-Benz,

Your latest spot for the C Class on the eye of hell opens with the following:

300 horsepower is fast.
400 will take your breath away.
That’s why we gave it 451.

Sorry, but I’ve just got to ask: why exactly did you give it 451?

Do you want me to lose control of the vehicle and get myself killed?

Are you trying to belittle me? Oooh, I don’t think you should buy this car. It’s much too powerful for little old you. You might hurt yourself.

Maybe it’s your idea of a dare: I just bet you can’t drive this car without killing somebody.

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Sarah Palin Parasailin’

Sarah Palin parasailing
Hey, is that a wolf swimming down there? Dangit, I should have brought my rifle with me! Yaaaaaaaah suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure!

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