Chef Bill’s Restaurant Reviews
Welcome, slumming readers of Crooks and Liars and Sweet Jesus, I Hate Bill O’Reilly, Intl.
Sylvia’s
I had a great time, and all the people up there are tremendously respectful.
I couldn’t get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia’s restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City. I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it’s run by blacks, primarily black patronship.
There wasn’t one person in Sylvia’s who was screaming, “M-Fer, I want more iced tea.” You know, I mean, everybody was — it was like going into an Italian restaurant in an all-white suburb in the sense of people were sitting there, and they were ordering and having fun. And there wasn’t any kind of craziness at all.
Schmuel’s Kosher
I ventured down to Manhattan’s Lower East Side the other day to check out this traditional deli. Schmuel’s is famous for its breakfasts, so despite the evening hour, I decided to try some items from both the breakfast and dinner menus.
The breakfast was just terrific. I had a bagel with a surprisingly generous schmear (which is the Jewish word for “smear”) of cream cheese. I also had the potato pancakes, or Lockies as they call them. They were a bit greasy, but you slather enough sour cream and apple sauce on them and they’re a real treat.
I was then ready to try out the dinner menu. I wanted to taste their corned beef, which I’ve heard is different from the normal corned beef regular people eat, but get this: they wouldn’t let me. They claimed that because I’d eaten dairy products from the breakfast menu, it was against the law to serve me any meat! I told them I’m friends with a lot of cops, and I’d know if there was a law against eating meat. I mean, it wasn’t even a Friday!
Finally, the manager came out, and much to my surprise, he offered me a big bowl of kasha and another order of lockies, on the house! I bet that was a first, if you know what I mean.
All in all, I can recommend Schmuel’s, but watch out for their crazy “laws”.
Tony’s Family Restaurant
Tony’s is just a few short blocks from Schmuel’s and boy, is it worth the drive over. Sure, the name is a little off-putting, since the idea of an Italian “family”… well, you know what I mean. But I checked out the men’s room — no guns hidden in the toilet tanks — and made sure they didn’t seat me in a corner, so I wasn’t too worried.
They’ve got all your favorites at Tony’s: spaghetti and meatballs, ziti and meatballs, linguine and meatballs, the whole enchilada. And just in case you’re in an adventurous mood, they have three different kinds of cheese to sprinkle on top of your dish.
One little piece of advice, just to be on the safe side. Pay cash. Why risk letting them see your credit card?
Abdullah’s Lebanese Cuisine
What an eye opener! Wonderful aromas and flavors of the Mediterranean, from kebabs to stuffed grape leaves. And get this: they serve something called falafel! No, it’s not the same as that rough sponge you use in the shower. It’s some kind of beans, ground up and deep fried. Very tasty, but I couldn’t help but laugh over the name.
But the best surprise of all was that not a single suicide bomber was there, or if there were any, they were well-hidden and chickened out like the cowards they are. Everyone was just sitting there, politely enjoying the food and conversation, and they didn’t even seem concerned about whether they’d survive the meal.
Tags: Bill-OReilly, Maverick, New-York, Racism, Restaurants, Satire
Category: Satire
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Comments (27)
John H (4 comments) on 27 Sep 2007 at 1:44 am #
Maybe we should invite Bill O’ to come to south-central Pennsylvania and take him to a Pennsylvania Dutch restaurant in Lancaster County. We could stop to eat in Intercourse on the way to Paradise. Yes, those are two towns in eastern Lancaster County (and you go through Intercourse to get to Paradise from Lancaster).
Bill would probably be amazed that they served his even though he did not arrive in a horse and buggy. I mean Lancaster if filled with radicals. Just think about the Amish families of children killed at the Nickel Mines School. They wen to the funeral of the man who murdered the children to comfort his family. If that isn’t a radical, almost liberal thing to do I don’t know what radical means. I am sure Bill could get a week’s worth of shows out of Lancaster.
donkey (1 comments) on 27 Sep 2007 at 2:44 am #
hay Bill
how about a
trip to the Fatherlands
for some bratwurst
heh…
Czarinaabean (2 comments) on 27 Sep 2007 at 4:44 am #
I wonder what Chef Bill would make of the fact that a perogie
manufacturing concern in Pennsylvania is now injecting jalepinos
in their potato pockets to appeal to the palates of the Hispanic population as well as anyone else who wants a bit of variety in their potato filling?????????????
What is America coming to????????????????
It may be tasty but is it patriotic?????????????????
qwerty (63 comments) on 27 Sep 2007 at 4:56 am #
I’m sure Chef Bill would be fine with that, as long as the clientèle are Americans of Hispanic ancestry — third or fourth generation, with names like Billy and Susie, just to be on the safe side. None of those “Pacos” and “Joses” who are bound to be part of the illegal assault on America that’s forcing normal people to have to breed quickly to save our blessed majority.
RSA (1 comments) on 27 Sep 2007 at 8:39 am #
Nice! I was thinking along the same lines:
“I was visiting a friend down South, and we stopped at a prominent local restaurant for dinner. The place was full of white people, and though I couldn’t understand half of what anyone was saying, what with their accents and drawls, everyone seemed friendly enough.
“I worried a little bit when we were seated, because the white napkins were folded in a sort of peaked shape that looked too much like the hood on a Klansman’s robe, but fortunately there weren’t any nooses or Confederate flags hanging on the walls.
“All in all, dinner was very good. I half-expected to hear a rebel yell now and again from the patrons or coming from the direction of the kitchen, but everyone was relatively subdued, probably thinking about getting back to their double-wides in time to catch reruns of NASCAR races on TV. If it weren’t for all the dishes being deep-fried, I’d probably go back.”
Jose A. Lafuente (1 comments) on 27 Sep 2007 at 9:06 am #
I was at an Irish restaurant the other day and I could not get over the fact that there were no drunk Irishmen passed out on the floor or that not all of the women were either pregnant or giving birth. I was simply amazed at the fact that they were just like the rest of us, and not once did anyone try and pick a fight with me. I would probably go back and eat here, since the only sterotype that was true was the Beer was quite good.
sonny tanksley (1 comments) on 27 Sep 2007 at 9:07 am #
yur satire is very funy.
a cunsenbative
Jim (1 comments) on 27 Sep 2007 at 12:15 pm #
I got popped over here from “Sweet Jesus, I Hate Bill…” Great post qwerty
Russ (1 comments) on 27 Sep 2007 at 1:22 pm #
Pedro’s Mexican Restaurant
So I walk into this joint around 4:30 pm, and I was floored by the fact that their doors were actually open, and that nobody was on their siesta. Believe it or not, the place was actually clean. I mean, no chickens running around on the floor, it was like your normal restaurant! The waiter was very nice, and proceeded to poor me a glass of ice water. I didn’t want to be rude, so I nervously took a sip. I still can’t get over the fact that I didn’t have major diarrhea throughout the night. NONE! I decided to order the enchilada. When I asked my waiter if all of the cooks in the kitchen were legal, he gave me this look like, “who the F… are you?”. Some people can be so rude. That cost him his tip right there. All in all, not bad, I give it three pin heads.
Pedtie (1 comments) on 27 Sep 2007 at 4:44 pm #
RSA - Love the parity. Bill simply doesn’t get it, but then most closeted bigots don’t. They really don’t and we aren’t going to educate them.
GreenEyedLilo (1 comments) on 27 Sep 2007 at 5:14 pm #
I came here via Sweet Jesus. Be warned–I’m sharing with lots of others!
Bet he still wonders why there’s such a fuss over a complement.
Bet Sylvia’s won’t be as congenial for him next time, either.
Craig (1 comments) on 27 Sep 2007 at 5:20 pm #
Hey John from SC Pennsylvania….don’t forget about Blue Ball and Bird-in-Hand, also dawn ther in dutchee-fied Lancaster County !!
John H (4 comments) on 27 Sep 2007 at 5:57 pm #
Czarinaabean said: “I wonder what Chef Bill would make of the fact that a perogie manufacturing concern in Pennsylvania is now injecting jalepinos in their potato pockets to appeal to the palates of the Hispanic population as well as anyone else who wants a bit of variety in their potato filling.”
Yes Bill would definitely have a problem with all the Spanish speaking people here in south-central PA. Most of the mushrooms in this country come from this area. The mushroom industry could not operate without all the Hispanic workers.
John H (4 comments) on 27 Sep 2007 at 6:01 pm #
Craig said: “Hey John from SC Pennsylvania….don’t forget about Blue Ball and Bird-in-Hand, also dawn there in dutchee-fied Lancaster County !!”
We have a lot of strange names for towns here in Pennsylvania Dutch country.
Stus (1 comments) on 27 Sep 2007 at 6:39 pm #
Hilarious sendup — you really picked on the Oh Really mindset. As a Jew, I particularly appreciated the “Schmuel’s” section. Imagine what Oh Really and his bully pal Bill Donohue would say if someone on TV or radio had said something so thickheaded about an Irish restaurant (”So well-mannered, no one involved in drunken thuggish fights or crying about their lace curtain Irish mommas at the bar.”).
Jerry P (1 comments) on 27 Sep 2007 at 10:50 pm #
You who write slanderous garbage concerning Bill O’Reilly, as well as other prominent “traditional” civil, honest, and hard working people have no viable expanations for you flouderous derogatives.
I do realize however, that when one is not truly honest with their own selves, of which category the majority of you are in, simply and plainly — DO SHOW HOW TRULY DESPARATE YOU ARE FOR ATTENTION — AS WELL AS YOUR BASIC LACK OF REPECT OF OTHERS WHO ARE TRULY STRIVING TO MAKE OUR SOCIETY ONCE AGAIN RESPECTFUL –
A sincere suggestion for you, use your conscience. That alone is a very good start towards doing right & proper things in our lives and society.
tb (1 comments) on 28 Sep 2007 at 4:45 pm #
pretty funny dialouge. bill sucks
Czarinaabean (2 comments) on 30 Sep 2007 at 6:20 am #
The problem with people like Bill O’Reilly is that when they are spewing the distortions and deceptions -they just keep rolling along.
With Bill Clinton -there was nothing that wasn’t inferred or
blatantly said by the likes of the right wingers. There was much of what was said by some of these people that was out and out slander. They hide behind this family value persona which often gets them in trouble when their hypocrisy is exposed. What happens when they get criticized -is what happens to most bullies. Instead of maybe being introspective they whine and holler . They are classic-they love to dish it out-but they can’t stand any bit of criticism. People like O’Reilly who is so arrogant and so impressed with himself -can’t even see how small minded
and ignorant many of the things they say are. You see it in the whole crowd-Rush and Bill Bennett come to mind.They make statements that are racist and they are so full of themselves that they can’t see the their obvious prejudices.
Of course -they will always have their cadre of defenders.
Bill is honest and hardworking and “traditional” LOL
What a joke-he is not respected by many because he does not deserve respect.
Alx (1 comments) on 30 Sep 2007 at 7:49 pm #
Bill O, out for Chinese food.
As I ventured into Chinatown I was recommended a nice place called Mr. Lee’s. Even though I don’t know how to read those darn letters because they all look the same I obtained correct directions from Mapquest and I was on my way. I thought all the traffic congestion on canal street was caused by those rickshaw drivers and those pesky fireworks going off every now and then but it turned out to be construction. After arriving at Mr. Lee’s I was greeted by a nice fellow who kept bowing at me so I was courteous and gave him some spare change. The decor was fabulous except for the lights made out of paper (fire hazard if you ask me). I didn’t see any pictures of Bruce Lee on the wall nor any ethnic fighting weapons of any kind. I asked to be seated next to the chef because I wanted to get a good look at the way they throw those knives in the air while preparing dinner but I was looked at rather awkwardly. The food was excellent. Although I thought most of it might be illegal to serve since they appeared to be on the endangered species list. If you are ever in China town I highly suggest Mr. Lee’s. PS. Don’t expect to see any massage parlors near the bathrooms.
Bill G (1 comments) on 02 Oct 2007 at 8:31 am #
Hey, John H in Lancaster County. I bet O’Reiily would miss both Intercourse and Paradise and end up in Blue Balls (another nearby town, by the way).
John H (4 comments) on 02 Oct 2007 at 9:44 am #
Bill G said, “Hey, John H in Lancaster County. I bet O’Reiily would miss both Intercourse and Paradise and end up in Blue Balls (another nearby town, by the way).”
You are probably right. He would then blame someone for the mistake.
I used to live in Lancaster. I now live in Lebanon, PA. Lebanon is right in the middle between Harrisburg, the state capital, Lancaster, and Reading. Lebanon is just east of Hershey, the Sweetest Place on Earth. Maybe we could get Billy Boy to go to Hershey and review the chocolate. You know the raw ingredients come from Africa and Central America. I am sure Bill O’ could find something disloyal in that. Especially since Hershey makes more chocolate in Mexico then here in Pennsylvania.
Joe (1 comments) on 02 Oct 2007 at 5:51 pm #
I also tried out a new Mexican restaurant located on 86th street, not a traditional Mexican because this place had no flies or nothing like that. Enjoyed the Margaritas as well as the breasts of the Mexican waitress whos served them. She smiled at me when I jokingly asked her if her name was Tia Juanana-wow, that sure was a god one. Need to save that for my show.
Anyhow, I was surprised that this place was like any other restaurant-no Mariachis playing, no Aztec calendars on the wall, no kids selling Chiclets. And just a few of the workers told me “Chinga to madre puto” which I am often told when I pass anyone who looks Hispanic (I think that means “Have a good day”).
ChrisS (1 comments) on 08 Oct 2007 at 1:59 pm #
Bill O’s Indian Adventure:
Just for fun I thought I’d try some Indian food. Now, I was a bit intrigued by the very notion that Indians, or Native Americans as we call them now, had time to develop a full-blown cuisine. I mean where do you put a stove in a teepee?
When we got to the restaurant I notice that these weren’t Native American Indians, these were convenience store Indians. Folks there is a difference. Just think Apu from the Simpsons and you’ll get what I mean. Let me tell you this food is hot!!! Not hot like Anne Makris, but hot like Tabasco. I asked the waiter why do they put Tabasco on everything and he gave me a queer look. I doubt he spoke English. How did Ghandi keep to his non-violent vow eating this crap? It amazes me.
Nick (1 comments) on 12 Oct 2007 at 4:27 pm #
So I went to have a meal with some real folks, real Americans, down at a Truck Stop Diner on route 70. Place was full of people that listen to my show on their radios. So I go in and I sit down at a table that looks like it hasn’t been cleaned in years (no Mexicans!) My arms are literally STICKING to the formica. A big white woman named Betty (isn’t that a black name?) takes my order of a Hamburger, Fries and a Coke. So I’m sittin’ there thinkin’ this is my kind of place, when all of a sudden two big guys in the back started arguing over who’s bumper sticker was better: “Keep Honking I’m Reloading!” or “Kill ‘em ALL and let DOG sort it out!” I guess the one guy didn’t like dogs ’cause he pulled out his pistol and shot a huge German shepard the other guy brought. Then the whole place just went crazy, all these real people started pulling out their guns and there was just this huge shootout, with some real serious artillary. I mean these folks know their guns .50 caliber .44’s, 9mm’s you name it they had it, and I’m thinkin’ this is so great! Thank god for Bush that he rolled back gun-control legislation because this here is freedom! The Defeat-ocrats would rather live in France! This kind of thing never happens in a French restaurant! Got my fries (a little soggy) and my burger ( a little greasy just like I like it) and had a great time, They didn’t clean up the dead dog or the blood though because once again no Mexicans!
rick (1 comments) on 03 Nov 2007 at 12:55 am #
Hey I just beamed in here from another country and I already hate this c***er ,btw does anyone know where I can find Dog…….The black mofo.
qwerty (63 comments) on 03 Nov 2007 at 1:01 am #
Did you actually censor yourself over the word “cracker”? I can handle cracker. I’ve known plenty of crackers in my day.
Anyway, I think Dog hides out in Hawaii, where he’s a bit less likely to run into people who might be upset to hear him talking about ni****s (and you’re damn right I’m going to censor myself on that one).
PolitiPorn™ Politi-Smut Peddler of Year – 2007 « Politiporn™ on 21 Dec 2007 at 4:18 pm #
[...] vow eating this crap? It amazes me.Bill’s review of other ethnic cuisines may be found here: http://www.qwertysqoncepts.com/2007/09/25/chef-bills-restaurant-reviews/ Bill, thank you, no really, thanks for the Politi-Smut. This award is given to Bill not just [...]