Archive for September, 2006

All New!

All NewHow does “all new” differ from simply “new”? On the eye of hell, there’s the occasional clip episode, in which the characters, stuck together in one place for one reason or another (snowed in, car broke down, nuclear holocaust) reminisce about all the fun ‘n’ special times they’ve had together. So they shoot a couple of scenes which serve to introduce clips from previous episodes. I suppose you could say that’s new, but not all new.

The problem is that those “new” episodes are clearly the minority, so it shouldn’t be necessary to tag anything new — really new — as “all new.” Besides, most of the time they’re not “all new.” How many “all new” episodes open with a quick reminder of what’s been going on so that the viewer can figure out what’s going on (it’s all so complicated!)? So what’s that? A not-new bit of the “all new” episode? Maybe they should call it “virtually all new” or “all new with the exception of a bit you can skip if you’re up to date on the story so far,” but they can’t really in good conscience call it “all new.”

Then again, these are the same people who will refer to a show as a “hit” before it’s had its premiere. How is that possible? Have they come up with their own definition of “hit,” kind of like the way the has seen fit to redefine “,” “war,” “patriot,” and “.” Maybe if they like it, it’s a hit. “We really hit the nail on the head with , don’t you think?” “Oh, yes sir, ‘hit’ is the word.”

Car companies do the same thing. How many times have they announced the latest iteration of some model by telling us that they’ve “rebuilt it from the ground up, completely rethinking everything.” You have to wonder how many meetings they held before they decided it would have four wheels.

Is it really that big a deal for something to be new? Was the old version so god-awful that you won’t even consider looking at something unless you’re assured it’s new new new new? I’m reminded of that scene in in which Henry goes to dinner at Mary X’s house and meets her parents for the first time:

Mr. X: We’ve got chicken tonight. Strangest damn things. They’re man-made. Little damn things, smaller than my fist - but they’re new!…… I’m Bill.

Henry: Hello. I’m Henry.

Mrs. X: Henry’s at Lappell’s factory.

Mr. X: So, printin’s yer business, eh? Plumbin’s mine. Thirty years! I’ve watched this neighborhood change from pastures to the hell-hole it is now! I put every damn pipe in this town!

Mary X: Dad!..

Mrs. X: Bill…

Mr. X: People think pipes grow in their homes! Well they sure as hell don’t. Look at my knees! Look at my knees!

Mrs. X: Bill…

Mr. X: Are ya hungry?

Mrs. X: Bill…

And we know how well that worked out…

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Larry the Larry

LarrySo… he’s Larry the Cable Guy — Health Inspector. He has two jobs, right? The film is about America’s struggling working class, trying to make ends meet. No?

OK, so his name is Larry the Cable Guy (I think that’s Dutch), and he works as a health inspector. It’s one of those American Dream stories. He’s Dutch nobility, disowned by his family, who comes to the new world for a new life and finds happiness truly serving the public, unlike his ancestors, who claimed to serve the people but really just used them. Wrong again?

OK, fine. Larry the Cable Guy is his cutesy little hillbilly character. Does he have a real name? Even the Rock has started at least occasionally calling himself Dwayne Johnson. And why? Because he’s not playing a professional wrestler.

Our boy Larry is apparently , who isn’t even from the south. Why not just stick with “Larry”? He could be the of the 21st century, thrilling us with knee slappers like Larry the Rodeo Clown, Larry the Orthopaedic Surgeon, Larry the CIA Interrogator (Git ‘er waterboarded), Larry the Saucier, Larry the Internet Marketing Consultant, Larry the Faceless Bureaucrat, and Larry the Occupational Therapist. Surely that would be better than Larry the Cable Guy — Rodeo Clown, Larry the Cable Guy — Orthopaedic Surgeon, Larry the Cable Guy — CIA Interrogator, Larry the Cable Guy — Saucier, Larry the Cable Guy — Internet Marketing Consultant, Larry the Cable Guy — Faceless Bureaucrat, and Larry the Cable Guy — Occupational Therapist.

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Protect the First Amendment

and the have created .

First Freedom FirstEstablished in the First Amendment to the United States Constitution, religious liberty — the right of individuals to worship or not — was and is a defining American value. Often referred to as the “first freedom,” this constitutionally guaranteed right is the foundation for the separation of church and state. This separation protects us from undue religious influence in government and undue government intervention in religion and private decision-making. We recognize that the wall separating government and religion is being eroded, and so is our right to make personal decisions.

So get on over there and sign the petition! Both of you.

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Take Me Out to the [Your Ad Here!]

I’m not a sports person, but I still hate it when corporations buy the naming rights to stadiums and arenas. Here in Boston, the Boston Garden was to be replaced by the Shawmut Centre, but Shawmut Bank got bought out by Fleet Bank, so by the time the construction was complete it opened as the Fleet Centre, which always made me think of enemas. It recently became the . I’m not sure when the change was made, but the arena history page on their site doesn’t even mention the current name:

On September 29, 1995, the old Garden closed its doors to the public for the last time with a nostalgic evening of entertainment. The following night, a spectacular gala was held at the sparkling new FleetCenter, to usher in a new era for sports and entertainment in New England. With many of the historical reminders from the old structure having now been moved next door to the state-of-the-art FleetCenter, the tradition of building memories begins again.

As far as I know, this is not the case with universities and their arenas. They’re normally named after some alum, a donor, or the school itself. I hope to be dead before I have a chance to find out that the team at some university are playing at “Snap Into A Slim Jim” Field.

University of PhoenixApparently, the reverse is possible, though. The (”the nation’s largest private university”) has bought the naming rights to the new home of the Arizona Cardinals (do they have cardinals in the desert?), who for the last 12 years have been playing at a college stadium in Tempe.

From the article:

“We are thrilled to be affiliated with the largest private university in America, one whose home base is in Arizona but that has national and international reach,” Michael Bidwill, the Cardinals’ vice president and general counsel said in a statement. “The new home of the Arizona Cardinals is distinctly Arizona, and so is our stadium partner.”

I haven’t spent a whole lot of time in Arizona, so I’m not sure what makes this new stadium “distinctly Arizona” — giant cactus instead of goal posts, maybe — but I don’t know if any of this is distinctly Arizona. The University is based there, but it has “campuses” all over the place, and the vast majority of its students are online. I expect the campuses are a floor or two of some office park. And are the Arizona Cardinals distinctly Arizona? Are the players from Arizona? Wasn’t the team formerly based in St. Louis, where they still have a baseball team that goes by the same name? If they wanted to be “distinctly Arizona” maybe they should have thought about renaming the team when they moved.

My main concern is that people are going to show up at University of Phoenix Stadium and wonder where the rest of the school is. Are the dorms behind the stadium?

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Logo A-Go-Go

Written language is a collection of symbols representing sounds. Those sounds form words, which in turn represent ideas. Logos are images which represent entities of some sort — commercial, political, educational, religious, whatever. You might say they’re . dealt with this in “The Cinematographic Principle and the Ideogram,” found in his book, Film Form: Essays in Film Theory. Buy the book. It totally rules. So did Sergei’s hairdo.

la vache qui ritSometimes the connection between the image and that which it represents is pretty direct. The logo that represents la Vache qui Rit, for example, is… la vache qui rit. She’s a cow. She’s laughing. I understand it’s not zoologically accurate (in addition to the fact that I don’t think cows come in red, I remember reading somewhere, long ago, that only humans and chimpanzees laugh), but if you understand the words you can see them in the image.

Sometimes it’s a bit tougher to find the connection between the logo and that which it represents. That doesn’t necessarily mean that the logo is a failure from a marketing perspective. If the logo can be made to represent the image, it’ll do the job whether it looks like what it means or not. And a lot of the time, marketing people will announce that the new logo they’ve created represents some aspect of the company, the same way red on a nation’s flag supposedly represents the blood of those who have fallen in battle protecting that great land from evil. So you’ll see press releases stating that the big swoosh in the new logo for some insurance company represents their unique ability to initialize creativity and synergistic something-or-other. Look at the two logos below. Do you recognize what they represent? (Mousing over the images = cheating). Do you know why?

National GeographicDeutsche Bank

I sure as hell don’t know why. A rectangle and a slash inside a square? Bring back the laughing cow, I say.

We all know that the peacock represents , right? We see NBC and we think “NBC” or “the NBC peacock.”

And of course, by now we all get the idea of websites. If we’re watching NBC and we see “NBC.com” or “nbc.com” we think “OK, that’s where I’d find NBC’s website” the same way we think “NBC” when we see NBC.

NThe question is, while the logo represents the company, and the letters represent the name of the company, does the logo… can the logo represent the letters that represent the name of the company? In other words (so to speak), does NBC mean “NBC.com”? Does it mean “the website of NBC”? Can the National Broadcasting Company ditch the initials of its name and just use that picture? And for those that remember, would that stupid ugly gigantic N they used briefly during the 70s with a “.com” next to it also mean “NBC.com”? Would it mean “N.com,” or maybe “stupiduglygiganticn.com”?

Beats me.

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Hugo A-Go-Go

Hugo A-Go-GoHugo ChavezSo, Venezuelan President came to the last week and did some speechifying. And it seems every single American, of every political stripe, is attacking him for what he said. Fine. He’s paranoid, self-important, hypocritical and over the top. He thinks he’s Fidel Jr. But does that mean we can’t say that we agree with a lot of what he says? Do we have to say that when you come to America you have to respect America, and respecting America requires respecting America’s leaders? Feh.

Here’s some of his speech. If you want, you can read the whole thing at .

The hegemonic pretensions of the American empire are placing at risk the very survival of the human species. We continue to warn you about this danger and we appeal to the people of the United States and the world to halt this threat, which is like a sword hanging over our heads.

I don’t have to be crazy to agree with that, do I? The point can be taken from the perspective of economics, ecology, or war, and it’s perfectly valid.

Yesterday, ladies and gentlemen, from this rostrum, the president of the United States, the gentleman to whom I refer as the devil, came here, talking as if he owned the world. Truly. As the owner of the world.

I think we could call a psychiatrist to analyze yesterday’s statement made by the president of the United States. As the spokesman of imperialism, he came to share his nostrums, to try to preserve the current pattern of domination, exploitation and pillage of the peoples of the world.

How can we not view Bush’s policy as imperialistic? He genuinely believes that, through the use of sheer military force, the United States can reshape the world. If this policy were permitted to continue (assuming it was possible) it wouldn’t surprise me if, in some cases, this turned out ok in some ways for the people whose nations got “fixed”. Remember the scene from ?

REG:
They’ve bled us white, the bastards. They’ve taken everything we had, and not just from us, from our fathers, and from our fathers’ fathers.

LORETTA:
And from our fathers’ fathers’ fathers.

REG:
Yeah.

LORETTA:
And from our fathers’ fathers’ fathers’ fathers.

REG:
Yeah. All right, Stan. Don’t labour the point. And what have they ever given us in return?!

XERXES:
The aqueduct?

REG:
What?

XERXES:
The aqueduct.

REG:
Oh. Yeah, yeah. They did give us that. Uh, that’s true. Yeah.

COMMANDO #3:
And the sanitation.

LORETTA:
Oh, yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember what the city used to be like?

REG:
Yeah. All right. I’ll grant you the aqueduct and the sanitation are two things that the Romans have done.

MATTHIAS:
And the roads.

REG:
Well, yeah. Obviously the roads. I mean, the roads go without saying, don’t they? But apart from the sanitation, the aqueduct, and the roads–

COMMANDO:
Irrigation.

XERXES:
Medicine.

COMMANDOS:
Huh? Heh? Huh…

COMMANDO #2:
Education.

COMMANDOS:
Ohh…

REG:
Yeah, yeah. All right. Fair enough.

COMMANDO #1:
And the wine.

COMMANDOS:
Oh, yes. Yeah…

FRANCIS:
Yeah. Yeah, that’s something we’d really miss, Reg, if the Romans left. Huh.

COMMANDO:
Public baths.

LORETTA:
And it’s safe to walk in the streets at night now, Reg.

FRANCIS:
Yeah, they certainly know how to keep order. Let’s face it. They’re the only ones who could in a place like this.

COMMANDOS:
Hehh, heh. Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.

REG:
All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, a fresh water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?

XERXES:
Brought peace.

REG:
Oh. Peace? Shut up!

Whether the lives of the people are improved (no matter who decides that) is not the question. The fact that more people are dying and being tortured in Iraq now than before they were “freed” isn’t really the point. Even if Bush’s policies were successful, they’d still be imperialist.

As Chomsky says here, clearly and in depth, the American empire is doing all it can to consolidate its system of domination. And we cannot allow them to do that. We cannot allow world dictatorship to be consolidated.

The world parent’s statement — cynical, hypocritical, full of this imperial hypocrisy from the need they have to control everything.

They say they want to impose a democratic model. But that’s their democratic model. It’s the false democracy of elites, and, I would say, a very original democracy that’s imposed by weapons and bombs and firing weapons.

What a strange democracy. Aristotle might not recognize it or others who are at the root of democracy.

What type of democracy do you impose with marines and bombs?

The answer is the kind of democracy espoused by the signers of the :

  • Elliott Abrams
  • Gary Bauer
  • William J. Bennett
  • Jeb Bush
  • Dick Cheney
  • Eliot A. Cohen
  • Midge Decter
  • Paula Dobriansky
  • Steve Forbes
  • Aaron Friedberg
  • Francis Fukuyama
  • Frank Gaffney
  • Fred C. Ikle
  • Donald Kagan
  • Zalmay Khalilzad
  • I. Lewis Libby
  • Norman Podhoretz
  • Dan Quayle
  • Peter W. Rodman
  • Stephen P. Rosen
  • Henry S. Rowen
  • Donald Rumsfeld
  • Vin Weber
  • George Weigel
  • Paul Wolfowitz

In their Statement of Principles, they wrote

As the 20th century draws to a close, the United States stands as the world’s preeminent power. Having led the West to victory in the Cold War, America faces an opportunity and a challenge: Does the United States have the vision to build upon the achievements of past decades? Does the United States have the resolve to shape a new century favorable to American principles and interests?

The history of the 20th century should have taught us that it is important to shape circumstances before crises emerge, and to meet threats before they become dire. The history of this century should have taught us to embrace the cause of American leadership.

Our aim is to remind Americans of these lessons and to draw their consequences for today. Here are four consequences:

  • we need to increase defense spending significantly if we are to carry out our global responsibilities today and modernize our armed forces for the future;
  • we need to strengthen our ties to democratic allies and to challenge regimes hostile to our interests and values;
  • we need to promote the cause of political and economic freedom abroad;
  • we need to accept responsibility for America’s unique role in preserving and extending an international order friendly to our security, our prosperity, and our principles.

Such a Reaganite policy of military strength and moral clarity may not be fashionable today. But it is necessary if the United States is to build on the successes of this past century and to ensure our security and our greatness in the next.

Back to Chavez…

The president of the United States, yesterday, said to us, right here, in this room, and I’m quoting, “Anywhere you look, you hear extremists telling you can escape from poverty and recover your dignity through violence, terror and martyrdom.”

Wherever he looks, he sees extremists. And you, my brother — he looks at your color, and he says, oh, there’s an extremist. Evo Morales, the worthy president of Bolivia, looks like an extremist to him.

The imperialists see extremists everywhere. It’s not that we are extremists. It’s that the world is waking up. It’s waking up all over. And people are standing up.

I have the feeling, dear world dictator, that you are going to live the rest of your days as a nightmare because the rest of us are standing up, all those who are rising up against American imperialism, who are shouting for equality, for respect, for the sovereignty of nations.

Yes, you can call us extremists, but we are rising up against the empire, against the model of domination.

The president then — and this he said himself, he said: “I have come to speak directly to the populations in the Middle East, to tell them that my country wants peace.”

That’s true. If we walk in the streets of the Bronx, if we walk around New York, Washington, San Diego, in any city, San Antonio, San Francisco, and we ask individuals, the citizens of the United States, what does this country want? Does it want peace? They’ll say yes.

But the government doesn’t want peace. The government of the United States doesn’t want peace. It wants to exploit its system of exploitation, of pillage, of hegemony through war.

It wants peace. But what’s happening in Iraq? What happened in Lebanon? In Palestine? What’s happening? What’s happened over the last 100 years in Latin America and in the world? And now threatening Venezuela — new threats against Venezuela, against Iran?

He spoke to the people of Lebanon. Many of you, he said, have seen how your homes and communities were caught in the crossfire. How cynical can you get? What a capacity to lie shamefacedly. The bombs in Beirut with millimetric precision?

This is crossfire? He’s thinking of a western, when people would shoot from the hip and somebody would be caught in the crossfire.

This is imperialist, fascist, assassin, genocidal, the empire and Israel firing on the people of Palestine and Lebanon. That is what happened. And now we hear, “We’re suffering because we see homes destroyed.’

The president of the United States came to talk to the peoples — to the peoples of the world. He came to say — I brought some documents with me, because this morning I was reading some statements, and I see that he talked to the people of Afghanistan, the people of Lebanon, the people of Iran. And he addressed all these peoples directly.

And you can wonder, just as the president of the United States addresses those peoples of the world, what would those peoples of the world tell him if they were given the floor? What would they have to say?

And I think I have some inkling of what the peoples of the south, the oppressed people think. They would say, “Yankee imperialist, go home.” I think that is what those people would say if they were given the microphone and if they could speak with one voice to the American imperialists.

Bush sees everything in black and white, and he’s forcing the rest of the world, most of whom understand that the world is a bit more complex than that, to deal with his world view. I saw Reza Aslan on the eye of hell a few days ago saying that when Bush says “You’re either with us or against us — with me or with the terrorists,” moderate muslims think, “Well, I’m sure not with you.”

Over and above all of this, Madam President, I think there are reasons to be optimistic. A poet would have said “helplessly optimistic,” because over and above the wars and the bombs and the aggressive and the preventive war and the destruction of entire peoples, one can see that a new era is dawning.

As Silvio Rodriguez says, the era is giving birth to a heart. There are alternative ways of thinking. There are young people who think differently. And this has already been seen within the space of a mere decade. It was shown that the end of history was a totally false assumption, and the same was shown about Pax Americana and the establishment of the capitalist neo-liberal world. It has been shown, this system, to generate mere poverty. Who believes in it now?

What we now have to do is define the future of the world. Dawn is breaking out all over. You can see it in Africa and Europe and Latin America and Oceanea. I want to emphasize that optimistic vision.

Sorry. This isn’t crazy talk. Bush is alienating everyone: our long-term allies, our allies of convenience, our traditional enemies, and our enemies of convenience. The whole world is not just losing faith in America; they’re losing patience.

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It Pays to Be Observant

Siouxsie Sioux…and I like to think that I am. Today I had to venture outside of my precious hovel to go to an appointment, and I observed some very interesting things. No, I did not see the cat detector van from the . But as I was walking toward Massachusetts Avenue to catch the bus, I noticed a real estate sign in front of a house at the corner of Eustis and Arcadia Streets in Cambridge. The name of the realtor was Susie Hsu. Say that name aloud. Haven’t you been wondering whatever became of her? I know I have. I saw her perform with her band some 15 or 20 years ago at the Orpheum in Boston and she was pretty bad. She kept complaining about how hot it was on the stage. You’d think she’d have learned to expect that and accept it as a standard occupational hazard. I wonder if she brings Budgie along when she runs an open house. I wonder if he’s changed the spelling of his name. I suppose he could be “Bud Gee” and they can be a pretend Asian couple together, selling houses in Cambridge as Susie Hsu and Bud Gee of Ban Shee Realty.

Later today, on my way back from the appointment, I was right around the Lexington/Arlington border (still on Mass Ave) and I passed by a car wash. In front of it, a man was wiping down his car, presumably after running it through the wash. The man was a white guy, with white hair, probably in his early 60s, wearing khaki pants and a green sweater. The car was a Cadillac, with a vanity license plate that read MD4GOLF. Now, I don’t know if that was intended to mean that the man was made for golf, the car was made for golf, or they were both made for golf, but in any case, I think this proves the point I made last night.

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Cadillac Faces Facts

Cadillac logo with golf bag and hatI’ve mentioned Cadillac before, noting “the cool CEO in his cool Cadillac [who] beats his cool CFO in his cool into his reserved parking space by doing a high speed donut in the parking garage.” I think the way the company has tried to rebrand itself for baby boomers (dang boomers) is so dishonest. They know that the generation that would be buying their product is more interested in s, so they drop model names like Eldorado, De Ville and Seville in favor of STS, DTS, and CTS, they buy the rights to a couple of songs, and pretend that they’re road hugging, white knuckle driving performance vehicles.

Honestly, I don’t care about any engineering changes they’ve made. They’re still Cadillacs, and Cadillacs are and will always be big, heavy, cushy parade floats that announce to the world that you lead a life of leisure — not a life of thrills. Rebranding doesn’t change that. Cadillacs are for golfers and pimps from 1970s films. It’s as simple as that.

That’s why I was so pleased to see their latest spot on the eye of hell. Four male friends are driving to the country club. The actors are 40ish (maybe even in their mid-30s), but there’s no question that the characters are at least 50. There’s no Led Zep. In fact, I believe the only sound is conversation, as the four friends joke with each other about their bogeys, birdies, eagles and handicaps. You certainly don’t hear the engine revving and purring. At the end of the spot, they get out of the car, open the ultra-roomy trunk to get their clubs, and the announcer makes some statement about how the car has plenty of room for these four gents and their golf bags.

No more lies! Cadillac admits what it is and what it’s for. There’s no shame in this. I’m sure they feel a great peace now that they no longer need to pretend they make performance cars. It’s for going to the country club. It’s for carrying your clubs. That’s why they call it a Caddy.

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Shiver Me Whoozits

pirateOn this , and under orders from (who’s to blame for getting me to start blogging, so don’t look at me), I do hereby link to the one and only , the Lesbian Pirate Queen her own self.

And no, I’m not wearing those puffy poofy piratey pantaloonies pictured on her page. There are limits, you know.

Today is also Primary day here in the People’s Republic of Massachusetts, so I’m off to vote for my favorite potential Pirate-Governor.

Argh, matey.

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Be Very Afraid

Welcome to America’s madrassas.

Speak in tongues — all the drooling you want without any punishment!

Join Christ’s Shock Troops!

Lay down your life for the Gospel!

Get trained to be a warrior — “only in a much funner way!”

Get sent to Heaven where you can hang with the Sweet Baby Jesus while you’re still in his age group!

Watch the video or read about it from the perspective of a “secular liberal feminist from New York City” — I bet she’s a Jew, too.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=co1_9lR9EpM]

Update: Crooks and Liars points to the film’s official site, where I found the trailer.

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